Love is finding a whole new world in the very same places.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Hollowed Halloween

   It is my favorite time of year again. Filled with pumpkins, apples, cider and scary Saturday nights spent in paid-for horror. Since I was a little girl I have loved fall. Everything about it just exudes peace and change. This love is something, I have noticed, that a lot of people experience. Between the leaves, football and the dog-days of summer ending, autumn is a wonderful time. Mostly.
           Tonight Jon and I sat were sitting on the couch, he watched college football as I studied for my ASL class, it was a pretty peaceful night.
        Until that moment, which every parent dreads, when a real scream emanates from your child's bedroom. Thankfully, these screams are a result of bad dreams and not something worse. Carter's screams at such times as these during the night have been the result of many fevers that resulted in many hospital visits. Therefore, we-almost-welcome bad dreams, which are easily fixed with kisses.
      Although Carter is big and loud enough that the baby monitor is not as necessary. However, tonight I feel guilt as it was Jon who heard Carter's first scream and not I. I find myself wondering just How long had he been screaming? Jon's super-sonic hearing had sent him running into Carter's room, with me trailing behind. It was as if suddenly he was gone in a flash, and then I heard it. Carter's screams grew louder and drown out the loud noises of ESPN.
       It is during these times that I begin to feel reminiscent. It is during these times that my heart feels a depth of sadness, that I don't think my mind can even comprehend.

            Autumn means a lot to me, but in the last two years it reminds me of a heavy weight in my heart and even more the weight in the heart of a friend of mine who lost her young son on Halloween two years ago this year.

We found out we were pregnant with Carter in early October, but we didn't begin to tell people right away. The first night that I told someone at work was right around my birthday, which is the 21st. Coincidentally, the night I told my co-worker was also the night I met baby Lucas.
   To be honest, I don't know the details. I don't even know if I want to know. 

What I do know is that I am so sad that I only got to meet him this one time. 
I know he was loved and adored by all who knew him.

        By Halloween everyone knew I was pregnant and my excitement was overwhelming.
I distinctly remember standing with a coworker, jabbering away about babies, when another coworker walked in, crying.
      This was a man that I had known for at least two years and although seeing him expressing his emotions (Yes, Ladies, men do that on occasion) was not uncommon, it was uncommon to actually see tears. He told us what happened, yelled at us actually, because he thought we were being insensitive  by talking about babies. Even though we had no idea yet what had befallen. Then our manager came out and confirmed what we had been told.

       I cannot imagine such a feeling. I cannot even begin to fathom the strength it takes to walk into the hospital, or for some moms to walk into the room and see their child no longer breathing.
            To this day I have flashes of fear, fear of going into Carter's room and seeing the worst nightmare a person can. I still go in and lay my hand on his chest at least twice a night. I still make sure he didn't pull his blankets over his head. The story of this little boy, that I only briefly got to meet, who had so much life left to live, has stuck with me and will for the rest of my life. 

         October, while being Breast Cancer Awareness month,
                      is also SIDS awareness month.

 Below is a link to a website about it.
Every child deserves a first birthday

 I'm not asking for your to donate money or anything.
 All I'm saying is that if you know someone who has suffered a loss of a child, in any way,

 give them a hug this month.
Send them a card, give them a call.

Likewise, if you think of any other ways to contribute, please feel free to comment below. If you have a story to tell, or any other links where people can donate, in any form, list them below.

                                                                            Love and Hope,



  1. I think this is a normal reaction to any caring mother. anyone with a heart and a knowing that children are innocent and need to be cared for unconditionally, all the time. To be honest my children are 14 and 9 and i still check on them at least twice a night after i am well aware they are asleep and every time I wake to "potty" I slip to their door and wait..listening.. for them to breath, snore, mumble, turn over and ...move! It is.. mother's instinct, paranoia, devotion, I don't know, but I know that if I don't do it, I know. I know in the morning that I forgot something. I feel bad,literally feel like I missed something. Like I failed because I didn't do it. Just do what feels right to you. Only you know what helps them sleep at night(and yourself). And one big thing I've learned...Don't expect yourself to be perfect! You have to accept that you will make mistakes. xoxo

  2. Thanks Trema for your feedback. I have discussed this feeling with a few other mothers as well, and the feeling is definitely conclusive. Paranoia, concern, whatever it is real and overwhelming.

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