Love is finding a whole new world in the very same places.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Response to someone who didn't quite understand my message.

First off. Own up. I'm fairly certain I know who you are anyway.
      Second of off, you don't know me. I have never cheated on anyone.
    Furthermore. You are completely misunderstanding what this whole thing is about. It isn't about holding on to A SINGLE love. It simply about holding on to the concept of love. Never, no matter how many times in how many ways you may be hurt, NEVER give up on loving.
   Love differently, love someone else, love HEALTHY for one. But love. Always, Always, ALWAYS. Must there be love again. What is your life if not shared again.
    As with everyone there are things that I may regret, but what I don't regret is giving my self and giving the love of my life his real chance.
    The point is this is not how I thought it would be when I was younger, but how wonderful it is that it turned out so.
    You are right, there is no love without trust, without respect. And you must reach a point where you know your self well enough to know you can't trust any more or to know that the mutual respect is gone.
  Be angry, be bitter. But move on. Let there always be love, make it new, make it wonderful and make it work.


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

In case facebook lasts a while.

Many who don't know me won't understand all the things I say in this. But it is my belief that everyone, in some way, will understand what I mean.
     Once upon a time, in the same land that exists today. A whole different world resided. It was one where someone thought Love ruled all. And it did. It ruled mind it ruled body and soul and logic. Love was this consuming force that overrides everything. But, in a land where Love is everything, confusion may consume it.
        Perhaps confusion isn't the right word. Ignorance?
 Whatever it may be. To survive, love needs friends. It needs a heart to guide it so that it may grow, but a mind beside it so it may think. For love is not always best. Sometimes love is worst.
     It is not cynicism, for love is indeed the greatest of all.

And love can return, greater than before, but it must be an army. It must bring an army. Love must be the general, with logic, and hope at its side. They must be the Captains. They must command troops and keep confusion and doubt, not at bay, but at least under supervision. For confusion is a natural ally of Love. It walks the thin line, with hate close behind if not monitored.

             Where does this come from? Think of that thing, something you wanted more than anything. You did not simply decide one day no I do not want it. Perhaps it was a process, call it growing though I think that is an understatement. Perhaps it is Fate, intervening. Maybe she simply said "I'm sorry my child, that is not the road you will travel."
            I have learned, to never say, well why to love if to lose. Nor to question is it better to have loved and lost than to never. For there can be no "never" there must ALWAYS be love. There WILL always be love.
       Love is not eternal in that your love may last an eternity. Love is eternal in that LOVE itself will last eternity. If not this love then the next, if not that then the next.
     It does not matter this love now should it leave so long as love is accepted again. ACCEPTED for love does not come, love is there always.
     Behind broken hearts and lives is always love. No matter how tiny or repetitious they may be broken.
            OH DO THAT YOU LOVE AGAIN. That. Is everything.
                 Love is a whole new world, in the very same place.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Chloe's Crafts

More often than not I find myself covering some paper, plastic figurine, or god knows what else in glue, glitter or glitter paint. this is because recently my step-daughter and I have found a mutual love of crafts and craft projects. We have made tissue paper flowers, painted ceramic princesses, made popo-up princesses, cooked heart shaped sandwiches appetizers for her birthday party, colored, printed out hundreds of our own coloring pages, you name it we've done it.
   What I love about Chloe is she keeps me in check, of course she requires mass-attention, as all four year olds do. But she sees her world with pure eyes and doesn't hold back. She came up to me one day and said "Wow you really love the computer don't you? You've been using it forever!" She didn't mean it in a mean way just a four-year old view of the world.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

First words fumbles and fits.

My lovely mommy watched Carter today as Jon and I went to work. When I came back we watched her new home video she had made, of Carter cooing and ahhing and nearly saying the word "good." This is their game. She says "Are you good?" and he laughs and tries to say "Good..." It's pretty much the most adorable thing you've ever seen.
    I have to say we are truly blessed with this little baby, he sleeps through the night, he doesn't cry and he is all giggles and love.
      Of course, he is a baby. So when he does decide to have a breakdown he does it like a pro. Let me tell you last night this child apparently didn't stop crying on daddy for like three hours.
            Poor daddy for one, but for daddy's friends for two. Jon apparently had friends over who were a little uncomfortable once the crying began. Which I also have experienced first-hand. After Chloe's birthday party Carter, who had been passed around and kept from his many naps that day, was to say the least really angry. And a few of our friends stuck around the festivities after. Well Carter finally had enough and he was crying and screaming. This was when we had to put up with the many "What's wrong with him?" and "Why is he doing that? Cant you make him stop?" Well Jon and I are only twenty so the number of our friends with kids is rather limited, DESPITE what people would have you to believe. So our friends aren't used to the crying. I honestly think it frightens them and it ruins the mood or any chance of hanging out.

How do you adjust your friends to your kids, and your kids to your friends?
Must we wait for everyone to have one, is it simply a matter of putting up with friends leaving once a child starts to cry a little?

Bedroom Bedlham, just general confusion.

I feel as though I should define why I call step-mommyhood. The Other-Mother situation. For those of you with children, if you have ever seen the movie Coraline then you see where I get this reference from. Now do not get me wrong, I do not want to eat her or lock her parents in a dark room somewhere or anything crazy. I actually love Chloe, she is a bright, beautful, funny little girl that I do and will continue to treat as my own.
   I use this reference in only that being a step-mom, or her other-mother is a sometimes confusing, hard place to be. You see yourself as living in a unique situation, and you aren't entirely sure where you stand. Where the evil mom on Coraline tricked her and conned her with her wildest dreams, I love her and only tell her I will support whatever her dreams may be.
    The question I find myself asking more often than not is how to be both. How may I be her good other-mother without crossing through the little door over into her mother's territory. I have to say it's not very easy.

     Anyway! Jon and I currently live in a two bedroom apartment. It's a decent size, very nice little chalet by the river. It suits our purposes for now and has up til this point. However, we are looking for new apartments and possibly a house. Wooh houses!!
   Well after Carter was born, and with all his stuff now the bedroom him and Chloe share suddenly didn't feel big enough to me. So last Saturday we moved some of her things into the alcove in the livingroom we had already decided was going to be a play-area and switched their room around. We did this because I felt as though Carter didn't really get to have a nursery, and I didn't really get to give him one. Also, I really feel like this was a great idea because it's not really fair to her to have to come out of the room every time Carter takes a nap in there, so now she can just play out here and neither child is disturbed.
   Well this sparked a conversation between me and Jon. What is fair really? Jon had the very good argument that now Chloe only had the two walls in the room-the smaller half that Carter had before- AND all her stuff was in a different place. Not to mention Carter has a dresser but all his things also take up half the closet. She recently told us, that this wasn't REALLY her home anyway and that's why she got so homesick. We have been since trying to help her understand we love her too and we want her to feel like this is her home too.
      My argument was, however, that Chloe does have her own bed and her own toys, she even has a special place outside her room that is just her own. So each of them get the chance to be a little girl and a baby boy. Chloe has her own room at her own house and Carter doesn't. Plus she is only with us fifty percent of the time, so we can't be unfair to Carter either.
          This transcends past our current home as well, we both wonder who should get the bigger room in the new apt/house? Carter who is always there or Chloe who needs to feel like this is her home too?
    What a dilemma?!